So… uh… I was working on an EPS conduit here at Subspace Comms and mistakenly crossed the red wire with the green wire. Everyone knows how dangerous that can be, right? Next thing I know, I emerge out of a stasis chamber to find that the guy from The Apprentice is now president, Star Trek is back on TV… well, not on “TV”… and that William Shatner has released a Christmas themed fever dream on the unsuspecting citizens of the internets.

The craziest part about the whole experience; is that the moment my bare feet hit the cold deck plating, a Billy Gibbons fueled dancing gingerbread man was the first thing I saw. I thought for sure It was just a Saurian brandy hangover or that I was being held captive by some weird and lonely space-kid on a distant planet. Sadly, neither were true. After a couple of wobbly steps, I realized that I had left youtube running with the autoplay feature turned-on. Turns out, it had been playing for four years! Yet, somehow, the video was still related to Star Trek. Nice work, Google.

After I regained my composure, I hit the space bar on my LCARS terminal and paused the video. Was I hungry? Sure. Did I need to change my coveralls? You bet. Nevertheless, I had to find out just what in the hell was going on here.

Who the hell is Donder?

Well, It seems that The Shat (or Sir Billiam as I like to call him) scraped together some kids, used Christmas decorations, one of the two bearded members of ZZ TOP, and a bunch of drunk millennials to create a magical holiday experience that will surely be as beloved as “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Maybe not that last part…

After watching the whole video, a few questions still linger: Is this some kind of alternate universe? Did Billy Gibbons get paid to wail through that “song” or did he just get to eat the anthropomorphized gingerbread man? Is Star Trek Discovery any good?

Anyway, my head is bangin’. I need to head down to sickbay and see if Dr. Pulaski has anything to cure this stasis-cottonmouth. Before you ask; YES, she's here. Also, buy stuff.

END OF COMMUNIQUE